Holidays!

I am home in Irvine today until Thursday night or Friday morning. I wish I couldve spent Christmas Eve with Kent but he's working so I didnt want to be alone. So now here i am in Irvine bored out of my mind! I wish i had left later in the week so i wouldn't have to be here for so long...

Kent is picking up his sis from the border today and I was supposed to go with him. I hope he comes back safe. AHHH why is Irvine so boring?!

Maybe I should be more positive....but its really really hard...

Holiday Cheers

I've been so busy studying for midterms and then studying for finals. Why in the world do teachers decide to give out midterms week before finals? Luckily thats all over and I have no school for a whole month!

Last sunday was Shogun's annual xmas party :) We had free food, good company, and lots of gifts <3

Tuesday after my last final I went to go eat hot pot at little sheep with Kent and his mom then

onto the Las Americas outlet. I bought myself a red coat in kids size lol and a black wallet for Kent's mom. Kent bought me a coach tote and Swarvoski necklace we originally picked out for his sister... haha but we went back and bought her something else. For Kent I picked out these black and blue basketball shoes and matching shorts.

Last night we drove Kents sister to the border and then went to Yani's for our long awaited hot pot night round 2! Jesi Lydia and Chelsea left right after we ate but me and Nancy stayed till 3 am watching movies and scrapbooking.

Now i'm sitting on my coach like a bum watching my sex and the city dvds. How i LOVE winterbreak! =)

Taming that road rage!

Lately when I catch myself having unnecessary road rage I start making excuses for the other driver like

"maybe he is rushing to the hospital to reach his wife who is in labor"

"maybe he had a really bad day at work and just wants to rush home..."

"maybe he just got a ticket so hes driving like an old gramps"

etc etc...kinda silly but it works. No matter how ridiculous the reasons I come up with are.

Now I am trying to apply the same concept to people overall. I guess it kinda goes along with the "early new years resolution" I posted a few days ago. You never know absolutely everything other people are going through. Doesn't mean you should let people walk all over you but it does make it easier to be more accepting.

I want to write more and have tons of random thoughts I want to write out but I am too tired and my brain is dead. I should sleep anyways. Class tomorrow SIIGH!

Early Resolution

Be nice to everyone you come across. They are fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Boo =(

I feel like nice people are often neglected and unappreciated =(

Best of Both Worlds

I've been trying to pick up more shifts at work and thought about even picking up a second job. I hate school but I am such a workaholic when it comes to monay. Its not that I have materialistic needs but I just like to be able to go out and eat with my friends without having to worry about an extra dollar or two im going to spend. On top of that, I want to be financially independent from my dad as possible.

I get tired from APO activities and work though....so I really need to push myself to stay on top of school. BLEH SCHOOL. I just want to graduate already and work work work work. I wouldnt mind going to school if I knew what I was going to do with my life! and obviously that isnt the case.... sucks.

I was going to write more but Olive looks bored and in need of mommys attention so i guess ill write another time.

Comfort in the familiar

School has started and so far its been A-okay. its exactly what i've been expecting all summer long. My lazy unmotivated days of school and my easy days at work earning money i'm going to spend all on food. Hanging out with my bests from APO and spending time with Kent. All is peaceful now and i'm more than thankful for these calm almost rut-like days. Why complain when nothing is going wrong?? Too many people complain when their lives are dramaless.

I'm so happy to have these peaceful days when all I have to worry about is if I should go to class today. The past 2 weeks were hard for me but now its nice to be able to sit back and relax.

My grandpa found a tumor in his stomach and had to have 2/3 of his stomach removed. After losing my grandma last year to lung cancer it was hard to imagine losing another close grandparent. But I know my grandpa is strong and isn't ready to leave me yet. I'm glad he is being strong but I wish I could be next to him by his hospital bed. or even at least available for him to call at all times.

My parents were having BIG troubles last week for the first time in their 30 years of marriage. My mom called me and nonchalantly told me my father hadn't been home for the past 3 days since a fight they've had. My mom gets angry alot but my dad never loses his temper so it was pretty worrysome.

The next day my mom called and told me she was too depressed and worried to eat, drink, or sleep. I offered to go pick her up in Irvine so she could stay with me for a few days but she refused and stayed in irvine. I had to stay on the phone with her for hours though convincing her that my dad wasn't going to leave her.

2 days later my mom and dad had dinner together and were able to talk everything out. They vented to each other about their problems and realized after 30 years of marriage there were still things about each other they had yet to understand. My dads left for a business trip to Peru for the next week but my mom seems positive everything will be okay.

So now everything is solved and I am back to my peaceful lazy days. I couldnt be more thankful for days full of nothing but sleep food and laughter.

Images only go so far...

genuine emotions kicks prides ass any day of the week.

Playing house

This summer has been more hectic than relaxing. I guess it still beats having to take summer school though. After coming back from Japan, I worked at Wazen for 4 days a week for about a month and a half. On my 3 days off I would drive back to SD every weekend to find my new apartment. I finally got to officially move back to SD about 3 weeks ago and I've started working back at Shogun. Its hard going back to your old workplace after you've taken some time off. I keep finding things to complain about. Not enough pay, too much drama, bad management, not enough hours, etc... etc... but money is money so I guess I just need to suck it up or find another job.

School is starting up in a week and hopefully I'm prepared for the commute. I've never had to drive to school until this year so I'm feeling like a college newbie all over again. At least I'm not longer alone and I have my friends and Kent to rely on.

I can't wait till i've graduated college and I can make my own money and support myself. I feel like such a child relying on my dad to pay for my living needs.

difficulties

"People don't change. In the process of living life with all of its difficulties, they're simply acting tough."

sometimes i get tired of smiling and cracking jokes all the time. Sometimes I just dont want to talk to anyone and just bury myself in a little cave or something.

not in the emo "i hate my life, i hate you all!!" kinda of way, but literally just tired. pooped. drained. you know. just want to be alone to zone out and rest my brain.

Del Mar Fair

Spent the weekend in San Diego. It was a good coming back from being gone for a month. Did all the usual; phils, golden city, tea station, pool hall, shogun, etc etc. Yesterday I went to the del mar fair with yani, chris, sing, nancy, eugene, and kent. It was loaaads of fun but also loaads of money. haha It did help me get my mind off all the shit i have to take care of in the following month.

Today I go back to Irvine to work.... =( I wish I could just stay in San Diego and work at Shogun and be carefree as I usually am. Don't want to go back to Irvine and start a new job.

Old enough to know but young enough not to care

I know the above saying sounds rather shameless and overly ignorant but it really pains me on how true it is. I'm turning 20 in about 2 more days...and its astonishing to think how some things just never seem to change. I know we all learn new lessons on a day to day basis but our personalities and our ways of thinking really prevent so many of us from actually growing up. I feel at this age we all know from right and wrong...and what actions we should take.

but....

knowing is only the easy part...the difficult part is learning how to obey that little voice we hear inside our head. Its taken me 20 years to finally know most right and wrong; what actions to take during certain situations, but i wonder how many more years itll take for me to be able to mature enough so I can be able to follow through with what I know to be right.

I leave Japan tomorrow. Kent is picking me up at the airport. My mom's birthday is the next day. The day after that is my birthday and am planning to celebrate it in SD :] As much as I love my grandpa and Japan, I am freaking STOKED to be going back home <3

Nature and all its bliss

Today was my last day in Hamamatsu with my Grandpa. Tomorrow I'm leaving for Maki's and staying there for the rest of my trip. I went to a flower garden today with my grandpa. It was absoluuuutely beautiful. Covered with trees and nothing but flowers and nature. All you can hear is the sound of water flowing and birds chirping. Its a shame that you would have to go on a journey to find a place as peaceful in San Diego or even all of So Cal. Sometimes I think of myself as a city girl, but I think in the end I would rather leave somewhere with more tranquility.

This stay with my grandpa was really refreshing and a big change compared to my drama filled fast paced life back home. From school, work, community service, and socializing its good to just sit back and do nothing for a change. After so much relaxing, the thought of having to go back to the US and go back to work, find a new apartment, and move sounds a wee bit stressful. Not to mention, I have relationship issues I still need to clear out.

I can't wait to be back in my own hometown but at the same time i'm really going to long for the quiet and relaxation of being here.

Ode to Joy

So today i was having one of those days. where you feel the world has turned on you and you would rather just crawl inside your bed for the rest of the day...maybe even the entire week. What I failed to realize was that all the 'issues' I was having were not problems at all....they were just all misinterperated blessings. A nagging mom, a pestering grandpa, time of the month, and painful jaw. It was really getting on my nerves but after calming down and getting my mind off of it for several hours I realized I wasn't seeing the issues for what they really were; A worried mother, an anxious grandpa, a healthy body, and recovery of a wisdom tooth extraction. All of which I should be completely grateful for... aside from the extraction. (Although I guess I should be thankful).

Most of the time when I'm having those days. All I have to do is pause and rethink my life and I soon realize I am truly lucky....... but its so hard to find the pause button in such a fast passed life we all live in these days. So for the rest of my time in Japan I'm going to try to cherish the time I have here and the time I have left with my grandpa. I didn't realize till today that I hadn't been in Japan for 3 years. No wonder he is bouncing up and down the walls trying to keep me happy.

I wish I had realized this all sooner =( I feel bad for not having spent more time with him. We are going out to lunch tomorrow though and then after my dentist appointment I promised to cook him dinner. This time I'm not going to fuck it up!!! ♥

Stuffed nose and brain

My japan trips are always way too long for my liking. This trip has been especially worse than usual. Not that I dont like being in Japan...but it gets rather boring spending coutnless number of days just chilling with relatives. Especially this year when the only one I'm spending time with is my grandpa.

What makes it even worse is that I've caught myself yet another cold and I just recently got one of my wisdom teeth removed. My laptop and my neighbor's stolen internet are my only two saviors. Thankfully, next week i'll finally be able to go to Maki's and spend the rest of my trip there. I just hope this damn annoying sore throat will be gone by the time i leave.

ahhhhh im too drugged up on painkillers to write about much else.

Time flies fasstt

i really really really need to stop staying up late for no reason at all. Ive opened up livejournal multiple times this week to write out stuff but in the end everything just kinda gets jumbled so i end up closing it all out. my head is just all tangled up these days. not in the "omg i have so much drama in my life" kind of way...but in a i dont really no whats going through my head. hahhaha

time is just on a completely different level right now... its already been almost 2 years since nusha facebooked me when we found out we were going to be rooming together in the dorms almost

a year since i moved into 5673 laguna retardd with my dysfunctional but most of the time loveable roommates

9 months since i started working at shogun

7 months since i got olive

a whole semester since rushing for APO

and alreadyyyy my sophomore year is ending... like wtf?

where did the time go. i feel like ive only lived in 5673 for like 3 months...and already im looking for a new apartment to live in and my housemates and i are telling each other how we're all going to miss each other. in less than 2 weeks ill be taking finals and a month from now i'll already be in japan. i feel like SOOO much has and is happening in such a short amount of time. summer is really coming in at a good time. except i wish i was just going to be in sd the entire time and i wish this apartment hunting mess was over with already.

Love Life

i ♥ my twin =)

i cant wait till next week is over =) all my projects and exams will be done....and then i can be at peace at least until finals ishh. this weekend is alll dedicated to studying, APO events, studying, work, and studying. then i can start sleeping in again!!! i havent gotten 8 hours of sleep in a very long time...its making me grumpy. GRAWR. i know when i'm busy i get pretty grouchy and moody but honestly i cant tell you how much i love my life. despite the bad luck i've been having lately... (ALVIN OR!!) its always evened out by the number of amazing people in my life who are always looking out for me. im very very spoiled. i guess i forget how good i have it sometimes.

love love love you all!

APO and smiles

i've finally gotten myself out of my rut. yes, it took me a veryy long time. i can finally genuinely smile and be happy to go out with my friends. I joined a national service fraternity called APO and have met so many great people in the past few months. I've been keeping myself busy with community service, work, school, and friends. its great =) When i look at recent pictures of myself i can notice myself looking happier. I really do have a very spoiled life. I'm loved and supported by almost everyone. Parents, brother, coworkers, friends, housemates, and so on.... I hope one day i'll be worthy of all the love and support i recieve from everyone in my life.

I watched Curious Case of Benjamin Button with my mom yesterday. It was so romantic. It really made me really want to find the perfect significant other. i've decided im going to stop settling for boys who are 'good enough' are really take my time to find someone who will take my breath away. hopefully i will find him sooner than later <3

Scurrred.

im scared that i'm going to live my life always settling for 'good enough'. i give up too easily and i'm too much of a wimp to take risks. =/

Back on track

So I haven't really posted in here for a pretty long time and on this very lazy Saturday night i've decided to skim through my old posts again. It's amazing to think how much can change in such little time. It really amazes me at how a relationship between 2 people can completely change with time. anywhos, i think the reason i haven't wrote in the past few months is because i've been pretty emotional and conflicted with myself. There wasn't particularly anything wrong in my life but I just couldn't seem to be the overly happy person that I usually am.

That feeling has all gone away now and I feel like i'm finally back to my cheerful self :) Since the last time i posted i've started pledging for Alpha Phi Omega and i am totallyyy loving it. Not only do i love everyone i've met in the fraternity but all the fellowships and services have been ridiculously fun. Pledging for APO is probably in the top 3 best decisions ive made since I've moved to San Diego. :) Everyone in it cracks me upp and I seriously love my big, twin, and phi fam ♥ I'm sad that alot of the people i've met this year are already graduating in may though :[

speaking of may...my yearly trip to Japan is already being planned! this year i'll be gone from May 28 to June 16. Not gonna lie, i'm really not all that stoked. This is going to be my first time going to Japan since my grandma died. I don't know how i'm going to handle staying at my grandpa's and not having my grandma there...Especially since it never really sunk in that she passed away. i'm afraid its finally going to hit me when i get to the apartment and im going to start crying in front of my grandpa, which then, will probably make him cry! :( Oh how I wish my heart and tear ducts were stronger. since i dont want to leave on a sad note...i would just like to say

please find me a boy who will serenade this song to me :) okay that is all. thanks. bye <3

in the midst of trying to juggle school work family school social life and taking care of a pet...i feel like i've lost myself and what makes me happy.

being out and about all the time is tiring... i wish i could just at least come home and be able to relax without being bothered. Even then, I dont get the peace and quiet I need and I constantly have people knocking on my door or asking me what i'm doing in my room.

I just need some alone time to recharge. I feel like too many ppl expect too much of me at times and im too afraid to let anyone down..

I'm not sure why i'm in this rut and why i keep myself in this cage i've built around myself. Logically i know its not right and i shouldn't feel as agitated and upset as i do but i can't seem to get myself out of it. I am so blessed to have a family who always supports me and that i've always been surrounded by people who care about me and who want to spend time with me...but the past few months i can't get myself to open up to people. i cant crave the presence of others like i used to. i just want to waste my time secluded doing pretty much nothing.

I've always been such an optimistic person and now i feel so insecure and pessimistic. Everyday i keep putting myself down. "I wish i was smarter" "i wish i was prettier" I wish i was taller" "i wish i was more social" "i wish i was more courageous" "i wish i was nicer" i wish i was more patient" its constantly going through my head now. i never used to be this way. I've never been this upset for this long for no reason. Thats the worst part. I don't even know why i'm so down..so i cant pick myself back up. I've lost faith in myself. I don't know what to do.